My Little Ramazan - Day Ten

Fri 20th August 2010

A few things have occurred to me today. Whoever invented Ramazan didn’t have any screws loose, despite what us modern-living Westerners might think. I have identified three enormous benefits to participating in this seemingly nonsensical ritual.

1.) Genius Money Saving Technique
When I was scratting about in my purse today to find money for an admission fee to the Black Isle Wildlife Park, I realised something not just improbable but seemingly impossible. The money I’d put in there at the start of the week was still there! Exactly the same scuffed up notes. Exactly the same pool of pennies. Can you believe it? That means I‘ve gone a whole five days without spending anything. What’s more, the same ‘big shop’ I’d done just before Ramazan was mostly still evident in my fridge, freezer and cupboards. I’ve done no silly topping up. No silly purchasing of ‘essentials’ inexplicably omitted from the shopping list. The emptiness of my belly is, in turn, facilitating the fullness of my purse. Maybe the coalition should consider passing a Ramazan law in order to solve the world economic crisis. Let’s face it, stranger laws have been passed.

2.) Genius Time Saving Technique
When you are denying yourself in such a way as this, you do have a tendency to wish the hours away. Anyone who has ever watched the clock will tell you that this approach does, indeed, make it go fifty times slower. So today, when I asked my friend Jenny what time it was, I assumed the volume of activity we had undergone so far would have brought us almost to toddler bedtime. But no. 2pm was her reply. How did these hours keep magically appearing? Was Paul McKenna in on all of this? And why can’t I find these extra hours when I actually want them? So, there you have it. Ramazan is a genius time saving device proven to conjure up extra hours.

3.) Genius Exercise Avoidance Technique
I think you may, by now, be familiar with my special skill for naps, or ‘power sleeps’ as I prefer to call them. But as well as this total inertia, I have also successfully avoided all forms of exercise since Ramazan started. I am usually partial to a bit of yoga. And a bit of Zumba, which many of you will know is a crazy dance aerobics inspired by salsa, samba and African tribal dance. But on account of the sweat I am likely to produce during either of these exercises, I think it is only safe to avoid them during the fasting period at all costs. And probably for a while afterwards too, just until I get my body adjusted. And then I’ll have to ease myself back in gently because I don’t want to pull something. Maybe it’s better I avoid them until after Christmas. You see? Perfectly legitimate genius exercise avoidance technique.

So, in conclusion, I think Muslims just might be onto something here. Either that or I’m just pissed off I didn’t get an ice cream at the wildlife park today, and I’m trying to find justification for my actions. I think I’ll sleep on it.